I’m Not Good Enough For This…

It’s a big week for me. It’s a big week ThinkTwice. Why?

Because on Saturday I will be standing up in front of over 1000 people to talk about mental illness at the Youthwork Summit.

In all honesty – I’m petrified. Not only is this the first major speaking engagement I’ve done, but I’m doing it under the ThinkTwice name, in front of people who’ve been writing the articles I read and presenting the radio programmes and conferences I’ve listened to and attended.

One of the biggest things that scares me, is that people will “find me out”. You see, despite the fact that I lead a fulfilling life, doing work I love, inside, I’m still scared that I’m the broken and rather messed up girl who first dreamed of ThinkTwice years ago. I’m far more scared that when I stand up on Saturday people will see that I’m a fraud than the sheer number of people who’ll be there (although there are a lot of people!)

It got me thinking. (Which is dangerous, I realise) I don’t think I’m alone in this feeling. People far older, infinitely wiser and more experienced than I have these crises of confidence. We don’t feel good enough to fulfil the callings God has placed on our lives.

Sometimes they can feel all too responsible, too big, too scary! Sometimes, it’s not that we don’t trust God’s plan, but that we don’t trust that we’re good enough for God’s plan. Think of Moses- called to rescue the Israelites from Pharaoh’s tyranny – and yet scared to speak because of a lack of eloquence. Jonah was so fearful of his call that he ran away!

The thing is, it’s not really up to us. It’s God who is the giver of these gifts – however unworthy we feel. Jesus tells a parable of talents, where a master goes away and leaves his three servants with different amounts – the two with the greatest amounts invested and increased what they had – the third was so fearful he buried his and handed the original amount to his master. It was a risk for the servants to invest their talents – and it paid off! They ended up with far more than they imagined.

Isn’t the same true for us? The less worthy we feel of our calling – the more danger there is that we’ll throw it away. The more we trust the God who gave us our talents  - the more we allow God to use what He has given us – the more we’re glorifying God.

I may have made it sound formulaic and simple – I know it isn’t. The fact is, though, we are good enough because God created us. It’s not  anything to do with us. It’s everything to do with our Maker. He has given us everything we need for the job he’s called us to.

So even though I’m still petrified – I’m good enough to do the job God’s called me to do because He’s called me to it and gifted me for it.

The same is true for everyone. We are good enough because He is.

Redeemer

“There is a redeemer

Jesus, God’s own Son

Precious, Lamb of God, Messiah

Holy One.”

How often do you sing those words, or words like them?

We sing praises to God our Redeemer, but what do we really mean?

Recently I’ve been reflecting a lot on what redemption means, what it means to live a life of the redeemed. I’ve being wondering if, as we live the life of the redeemed under Christ, our past and memories can also be redeemed? (Answers on a postcard please).

Redemption is a massive biblical theme. God calls Himself our Redeemer over two dozen times. The vocabulary of redemption appears around 150 times throughout the whole Bible.

In the Old Testament, redemption seems to have three distinct parts. First the circumstance from which someone needs redemption, secondly the payment of the price of redemption and thirdly a human intermediary acting to secure the redemption.(1)  In the New Testament we see that Jesus acting both as payment and intermediary.

Jesus is our redemption.

He is both the instrument and the musician of redemption.

The melody of redemption is heard in His ultimate sacrifice – He died for us when we were still sinners – paid the price for our sin with His life.

It blows me away.

Psalm 103:1-5 says this:

“Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

God doesn’t just give us back what we lost – he gives us more than we could ever have imagined. When we think all is lost, He is waiting to give us more than we could ever find. He doesn’t just lift us out of the pit – he crowns us. Crowns us with His love and His compassion.

So often in my life I have grieved hopelessly over what has been lost. I have felt lost in the pain of what has gone.

And yet.

It’s all too easy to forget how much God has already redeemed for us, and yet He has redeemed our very lives so that we may one day be able to see Him face-to-face.

Every stuff-up, every bad day, every painful memory, every heartbreak is redeemed by God through His Son. Which means that so much has already been redeemed. And there is so much more to come.

It doesn’t mean we don’t have to face the pain, but it does mean that He has something far greater, far more beautiful in store for us.

How can we fail to praise a redeemer who makes the putrid, pure and the ruined, rescued?

(1) Ryken, L et al., Dictionary of Biblical Imagery, “Redeem/Redemption”, Leicester: IVP, 1998.

*I have relied heavily on the above for the theological/fact bits of this post. Credit where credit’s due!

Fix Your Eyes

I was with some of my best friends this afternoon with their gorgeous baby son. And when his Mummy and Daddy are around, he really only has eyes for them. He’s only seven weeks old, but you can see him searching for them when they are both out of sight. He knows that everything he needs comes from them; food, warmth, nappy changes and love (although the family and friends also give lots of love and cuddles).

Now, apart from waxing lyrical about how cute he is (have I mentioned that, yet?!) I do have a point in writing this.

You see, it struck me that his eyes are fixed on the ones who love him and provide all he needs. 

As we get older, our horizons widen (and this is right and proper) but there is something about the singularity of a baby’s focus which made me wonder what my life would be like if I fixed my eyes on my Father in Heaven like a baby fixes their eyes on a parent.  

If I sought everything I need from my Maker, fixed my eyes on Him and Him alone, I think life would look a little different. It isn’t that I wouldn’t still love and need those around me – God made us for meaningful relationship with our fellow man – but our ultimate needs, our need for security and value come from the One who knows us best. As the writer of Hebrews says in 12:1b-2 “let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”

I’m pretty sure that if we did this, it isn’t that everything else would become dim and dull, but that these things would come to life and be put in perspective. Safe in our identity and the knowledge that we are loved, we can dare to reach out. 

Reach out to those on the edge. 

Reach out to those in the dark. 

Because it seems to me that the more we fix our eyes on Jesus – the wider our horizons become.

 

Trap or Treasure?

Ever since I can remember, I have felt “called” into a specifically “christian” ministry. I toyed with the idea of being a singer and actress for a while, quickly dismissed the idea of teaching primary school children, rejected the idea of nurse because it involved science etc etc.

All the ideas I considered were never really more than that. Just ideas. Because from the age of five – I’ve known that I have a job to do. I had no idea, of course, of shape and name at that age. But I wanted to be a missionary, a preacher, wanted to work for the Church which I loved so much.

Indeed, the calling got me through my GCSEs and A-Levels. When I wanted so badly to throw in the towel, the knowledge that I needed qualifications to get into LST meant that I carried on.

It has been a massive encouragement and blessing to me, to have an inkling of where I’m headed. God has been incredibly gracious in prodding and calling me on in the right direction, in promising me a future when I was lost in the past. I have treasured my calling.

And yet.

Recently it has begun to feel like a trap.

Because this is hard. This life, is hard.

It takes so much energy, to be the person I feel called to be, to lay my story out for people to poke, prod and question.

And sometimes, I wish for a different life. I wonder if a different life would be less painful. Less all-consuming. Less of a sacrifice?

Because what if I walked an easier road? A comfortable job that didn’t involve the questions?

What if I could feel, for once, like a twenty-two year old instead of a forty-two old?

Perhaps these feelings are some kind of long forgotten and neglected rebellion?

Perhaps, it’s just been a long week.

But the difficulties of this life, this one where I’m called to bare my soul and speak of my vulnerability, this one which uses the pain instead of burying it – it is, after all, the path I chose.

For all my sense of calling, I chose to say ‘yes’. I chose to write and speak about those things which most scarred my soul.

I choose the light instead of giving into the lure of the darkness.

It is a choice I would make again. And again.

And so I guess, this is the price I pay. It is not, in perspective, a very high price. I gave up my “right” to give up on life. I gave up my “right” to give up on God.

I have been through too much to give up now.

I need reminding of that, today of all days. I can see it as a burden, a trap.

Or I can be reminded of the grace it took to get me to today.

 

So I choose to be reminded of grace – to see the gift, instead of the trap.

 

It isn’t easy.

 

I trust that it is worth it.

 

I want to change the world

There. I’ve said it.

I want to change the world.

I want to every child born to have enough love, clean water and food to live and thrive.

I want to see governments that use their resources wisely.

I want a justice system that truly rehabilitates drug users instead of letting them get sucked back into addiction and the underworld.

I want people to be open about mental illness.

I don’t want words like hate, or stigma or prejudice to ever need to be used because they don’t happen.

Some would call me an idealist, and they would probably be right. Some would say its because I’m young, and they would probably be right, too. But, I am all too aware of my limitations and I know that some of what I hope for probably won’t be seen on earth until Jesus comes again.

And it has struck me recently, that I spend a lot of time limiting my dreams.

I tell myself I am too young, too female, too broken to make a difference. Sometimes, I am too cynical.

But if I trust in a God who is bigger than my dreams – surely I must trust that he can make some of them come true?

If we all spend the energy persuading ourselves and others that we can’t make a difference, on actually going out there and making a difference – what would the world look like?

I get so scared that I’m not good enough to make a difference, that I make too much of a mess in my own life to help others, that I end up dithering around and not doing anything!

So my challenge to myself, is to dream big dreams, to allow myself to want to change the world and do all that I can to affect that change.

Join me?

 

Getting the Balance Right

So I’ve been reading Jeremiah recently, and as is often the case when reading the Bible, I came to a realisation. 

I either view God as a cuddly teddy bear, soft and loving – or I view an angry, jealous God who I have to impress, and whose standards are unattainable. 

I guess that to some extent both extremes are true. God is loving – He is Love. God is also just and perfect and to be revered. I’ve never quite got the revering bit right, I so often flail about between being scared of God, and forgetting His awesome power. 

If you know me, you’ll probably have realised that I quite like the middle ground! Why go extreme (except in my love for pretty things, matching and organisation) when you can pick the best of both sides and amalgamate them. It’s true for me in politics, theology, pretty much all the big stuff! I’ll search for a way to appease both sides and get the best of both worlds. 

Sometimes, this can be a good thing. Other times, like trying to write academic essay, it’s a bad thing. 

When it comes to my relationship with God, that tendency and love for balance goes out the window! Now I’m not saying that we shouldn’t get passionate about the God we serve, the God who created the world – anything but! 

But what I am saying is that I think I’m not alone in viewing the different parts of God’s character as completely isolated from one another when in truth, the reverence and awesomeness of God are as much of a part of the love of God as His healing and willingness to send His Son to die for us.

Reverence and love aren’t mutually exclusive. They go together like nutella and, well pretty much anything – they go together like strawberries and cream, books and coffee!

So I’m going to try and readdress my balance issues. I want to delve into the loving, pastoral heart of our God. But I also want to stand back in awe and acknowledge Him as Lord. I was to bow before Him, give Him all I’ve got – but I also want to run into His everlasting arms and accept the love God has for His children.

 

Weird

Life is weird. Growing up is weird.

I have had a number of conversations recently with friends and it seems to be a common feeling amongst us. We’re early twenties, newly graduated and life is hurtling into the next ‘stage’.

I am well aware that twenty-two is not old. In fact, it is young. And yet sometimes I feel far older than my years and at other times I don’t feel old enough to be living the life I live.

I rent a flat, I drive a car, I try and keep ThinkTwice pottering along, I write things that people read.

It’s all very weird.

I clearly remember chatting to my best friend at school, about what we’d be like when we were in our twenties! It was an amusing picture which involved having a great deal more money than we actually have!

I still surprise myself sometimes with the realisation that I am living life. I’m not just going through the motions of life, allowing it to pass me by and despite the weirdness of this growing up lark. I like it.

Life is weird.

But I’m beginning to think I quite like life.